28 February 2011

...a shyness that is criminally vulgar.

For the first 11 or so years of my life I was a happy, smiley child, popular even. I was actually 'the funny one'. Then I moved to secondary school where I was picked on, bullied, derided and demoralised. Secondary school turned me into the apathetic, cynical, sarcastic husk you've all grown to lust after and admire.

Now, the bullying didn't last long. I broke the nose of the boy who bullied me, that put a stop to that, but the relentless march of puberty and lack of any social interaction beyond school kept up the feelings of apathy towards people in general as well as the growing sense of loneliness that I had. 

Like most boys in their teens I wanted someone to love and be with, someone who didn't mind everything I'd come to hate about myself and who I could love in turn. Validation and knowledge that someone loved me, not because they had to, but because they just did, was all that I craved. Sadly, it didn't happen for me in my teenage years; while I had wanted all that I have just told you in a relationship; mutual trust, affection, attraction etc. what my hormone-addled teenage mind had crystallised it down to was a desperate want to be kissed; to know what it would be like for someone to find my face (something I had come to consider as a supremely ugly thing) attractive enough to kiss me. It did not happen. 

I retreated into myself. I felt the stereotypical angst and light brushes with self-loathing that occurs in most teens, but this time free of the crushing tedium and depersonalisation of secondary school. In college I still struggled, this time with trying to construct an identity now that I was free of that awful uniform that had robbed me of any expressed individuality. I didn't know who I was; I tried various things clothing-wise and also decided to grow my hair out. Something approximating a unique person emerged, if only slightly. I wasn't just reasserting myself in my appearance though, during this time (and with the new possession of an iPod) I really discovered music; I had my own tastes, of course, but I also took on more and more of my parents' tastes as well. And it was during this extended period of self-discovery that I happened upon the song that I felt defined all I had felt since losing myself to sadness, angst and self-pitying singledom.

'How Soon is Now?' was written by one of the all-time great songwriting partnerships; 'Morrissey & Marr', the lead singer and lead guitarist respectively of The Smiths. Originally released as a b-side it was nevertheless popular on the radio and was included on their rarities and b-sides collection, 1984's 'Hatful of Hollow'.

While the music of the song, in particular Johnny Marr's reverberating rhythm and screaming slide-guitar overdub that permeates the full 6 minutes and 42 seconds of the track, is utterly sublime, it was the lyrics, in conjunction with that music that captured me. The song is in no way a prime example of the sound of The Smiths; it's a much darker piece, devoid of the usual sarcastic humour that Morrissey lent to their songs. 

Ostensibly the thoughts of someone desperate to break out of their crippling shyness and make a romantic connection with someone, it has been argued that the lyrics are exemplary of the gay culture in Manchester in the 1980's. Personally I never gave much thought to the sexual orientation of the song's protagonist, as the words transcended such matters to me.

              "I am the son and the heir, of a shyness that it criminally vulgar.
               I am the son and heir, of nothing in particular."

I was mesmerised by the song, I'd heard it as a very young child through my parents' love for The Smiths, but hearing it again as an angsty teenager it really resonated within me, as I was utterly convinced that I was marred by an overwhelming shyness myself, that at its mildest, stopped me from having a worthwhile social life, and at its worst prevented me from speaking entirely in any social situation whatsoever.

              "You shut your mouth. How can you say I go about things 'the
               wrong way'? I am human and I need to be loved, just like
               everybody else does."

As someone who didn't drink and therefore had never felt alcohol's relaxing qualities as a social lubricant, to hear such advice as to 'just get myself out there', was nothing short of infuriating. 'Why should I have to change myself to find love? Am I not entitled to it as much as anyone else? And what is so wrong with me that I must change to almost deceive someone into liking me?' were the questions I would ask myself.

              ""There's a club if you'd like to go, you could meet somebody
                who really loves you." So you go and you stand on your own,
                and you leave on your own, and you go home, and you cry,
                and you want to die."

Besides, I'd tried that advice before and it had left me feeling, if anything, even more dejected and alone. That last verse was, in 2006, voted the second best lyric of all time in VH1's 'Top Lyrics' poll, losing out to a line from U2's 'One'.

I'm eternally thankful to my family for keeping me sane through what I imagine is always a hard time for people when they're growing up; puberty. And hearing that the good times were just around the corner, that all I wanted for myself would happen very soon was heartening, except that 'very soon' seemed to be and indefinite period that in the end lasted for 7 lonely years.

                "When you say it's gonna happen 'now'... Well when exactly
                 do you mean? See, I've already waited too long and all my
                 hope is gone."

I myself waited a long time for it to happen 'now'. At this point in this blog entry I've transcribed the entirety of the song, barring any repetitions of lines. So you can see exactly how much I felt this song explained how I felt. It remains one of my favourite songs for that very reason; that it kept me going when I was at my worst, battling depression, years later.

It propped me up through the loneliness of having only a few friends (until that changed). And also through the desperation and crushing sadness of having no-one in my life that loved me because I stood apart from everyone else they knew and meant something special to them.

Well, about 6 weeks ago I had my very first kiss; it wasn't a drunken affair in some grotty club somewhere with someone I didn't know. It was with someone I'd gotten to know months beforehand, someone who I'd found very attractive when I first saw her and had then fallen in love with once I'd immersed myself in her personality. In that short space of time I can feel the chapter of my life consisting of those long years of sadness and loneliness being closed, naught but a memory of a time when I was almost an entirely different person. 

So while 'How Soon is Now?' no longer explains every single emotion coursing through me, as it did for a long time, it still remains one of the most personally important songs I've ever heard. And for that I will always hold it in high esteem.