All aboard for funtime

Oh what a world we live in. I am Martyn the Great Ignoramus, Loser of Marbles, a cynic to my very core and a member of that most excruciatingly disappointing group of individuals we call 'people'. The supposedly witty name for this blog, 'Hypocritical Cynicism', is a sign of my own pretension, a trait I find so infuriatingly pompous in other people that I can't do much more than burn the word 'twat' into my forearm with a pair of stolen hair-straighteners as a reminder that I am no better than those I want to complain about.

I'm not going to lie here and try and tell you what I think should be done to solve the world's problems. I just want to chart the inexorable rise of the idiot. A special kind of...person? I suppose they do count as members of the human race on some mucus-coated bottom rung of the cultural ladder.

It's just so easy to hate them that I take to it with relish, their favourite words are 'epic', 'fail', 'lol' and of course 'random'. Because yes Jemima it is so 'random' for that broken egg to be in the kitchen. And yes Toby it is 'random' for someone to wear Converse.

They trudge around town centres wearing uniform skinny jeans and t-shirts with ironic logos on them, because they're far too outside the mainstream to shop anywhere except New Look and Topshop.

Their favourite band is someone you've never heard of and on the off chance you do manage to track down their rare Indonesian live EP then they've moved on because that band 'sold out'. "I've moved on from neo-classical baroque electro-folk-pop, it was going way too mainstream, I only listen to Nepalese arse flautists now."

They tell ironically racist/sexist/homophobic (hey, pick your prejudice) jokes that are so funny they offend you exactly as if they weren't ironically racist/sexist/homophobic.

They don't use MySpace anymore; they've moved onto Facebook,
They don't use Facebook anymore; they've moved onto Twitter,
They don't use Twitter anymore; they've moved onto that one social networking site you heard was 6 months off a full release and was being developed by three eighteen-year-old boys working out of a college dorm in Ohio because everything else is just too mainstream for them.

They make articulate and thought-provoking critiques of the most popular films of the moment and disguise their words brilliantly as complete ignorant idiocy. But of course they do this at peak efficiency when they've never actually seen the film they're currently giving a 35 minute lecture on.

They're everywhere, they're in your towns, in your cinemas, in your supermarkets, in your pubs, your clubs and your bars.

See if you can spot them; and if you do, don't say anything, don't even give them a dirty look. Just be content that you know that they are idiots.